Carnival

The 23-story Super Carrier USS Nimitz has finally arrived at Indian shores to make a port call. Anchored 3 kms off the coast of Chennai, the crew is looking forward to their 'Indian experience' while making plans to 'do their bit' for the needy and the under-privileged. A crew rock band is practicing hard to be ready for a performance they are expected to give shortly in the city.

While the crew goes about their stuff, the mini-city's appearance off our coast has created quite a storm here. So, to combat all this tension, various groups representing various people have decided to hold an emergency meeting to give shape to India's official stand on the issue.

Organizer/Co-ordinator/Common Man: "Alright! Ladies and Gentlemen, let us start the proceedings. One by one, each group should state their view on this issue and then we'll see how we can merge it to find common ground. Alright... so here we go....."

Leftist & Left political parties: "This is a ploy by the imperial west to enslave India and destroy us from within! They want to pollute our waters and environment by this radiation spilling nuclear warship! We will not let this happen!"

Common Man: "Er... but they've been in service for almost 3 decades and there has never been any radiation threat from them..."

Leftist & Left political parties: "Nonsense! The Congress has made a blunder by allowing them to anchor here... this makes India look weak! They might have nuclear warheads on board! What if they decide to take out the communists of India? No... no...."

Mamata Bannejee: "Thats rubbish! This is a ploy by TATA and other capitalists to take away the livelihood of all those poor farmers in Singur. They want to scare these poor people with Nuclear Weapons! I will not let this happen... I will support someone if they want to fast unto death to protest this! Anybody willing?....."

Far-right Hinduvta Leader: "This is the perfect opportunity to get rid of all Indians who don't follow Hinduism! Let us steal this ship and the nuclear weapons and bomb all known minority areas! All problems solved!"

Common Man: "WHAT?!?!"

Self-proclaimed Muslim leader: "No! Don't listen to these Kafirs! I here by declare a fatwa against George Bush for sending his unholy ship here to scare Muslims and shake their faith. Thanks to corruption, a few musalman politicians have the money and are willing to pay upto 51 crore for his head! Therefore now it is the duty of all Muslims worldwide to blow themselves up!"

Common Man: "Huh... but... who the hell ARE you?!?!"

Self-proclaimed Muslim leader: "Um... I'm the maulvi of the masjid in galli no. 57, kiaganj ilakha, district Bhatinda... but that doesn't matter! Down with George Bush!"

Amitabh Bachchan: "Whats going on here?!?! This is not an ad shoot! I thought I was invited here to endorse the USS Nimitz! I don't have time for this... Amar Singh Ji... you handle this please...."

Common Man: "But... but... Sir... wait..."

Amar Singh: "Our opinion of the matter is that this is a move by Mayawati to further harm the good name of Mulayam Singh Ji! We would like to request a CBI probe into the matter and would also like to ask the governor to to dismiss her government and invite us to form one!"

Mayawati: "What lies! These people are no good! Arre... after seeing so much space on the carrier deck... I am thinking of sending a proposal to the captain of the Nimitz to let me build an Ambedkar park there! With statues and fountains and everything!

Common Man: "Er.... another hundred crore Ambedkar park?!"

News Channels Representative: "They should re-name the USS Nimitz to USS Sunita Williams! So what if she is legally an American... so what if she wasn't even born here... so what if shes only been to India 3 times as a tourist to see the Taj Mahal?!?! Her name is Sunita and so she is Indian enough for us!"

Common Man: "Ummm......."

BJP/NDA Alliance: "Don't listen to these people! Bloody media always trying to expose innocent politicians! If it was up to us we would've never allowed them to enter our territory just like the U.S. didn't allow Modi to enter their territory! Nimitz has come to India because of the minority appeasement policies of the congress led government! Also, we have reasons to believe that this is a congress ploy to get their candidate to become President!"

Common Man: "Really? But.. how?..."

International Astrologers & Jyotshis Union Leader: "That doesn't matter! The planetary alignment is such that we will need perform some special rituals to counter the ill effects of the design of the aircraft carrier! You see, they have not made it according to Vaastu, or even Feng-Shui for that matter, and so, the negative energy generated from it is harming our economic growth and is actually responsible for the box-office disaster of Jhoom Barabar Jhoom!"

Common Man: "Wha..at..."

Congress Party: "Forget all this! The arrival of the carrier is a sign that its time for all Indians to elect Rahul Gandhi as their leader! Poor Dr. Singh has kept the seat warm long enough for our little baba to step up and take charge... so let us not wait any longer!"

U.S. Ambassador: "India and the U.S. have become such great friends now. There are a few problems remaining in the Civilian Nuclear deal but we are hopeful of reaching an agreement soon..."

Common Man: "But that has nothing to do with ANYTHING!"

Pakistani Ambassador: "Gee... better off your coast than mine!"

Common Man: "Why are you here?"

Pakistani Ambassador: "I heard there will be some South Indian food here... we don't get that in Pakistan you see..."

Indian Armed Forces Representative: "We have deployed a ship with radiation measuring instruments to monitor the Nimitz... and so far... there is nothing to worry about!"

Common Man: "Wow.. well.. that settles it for me! But now lets hear what the kids have to say..."

Kids of the Madarsa-i-azam: "Those white folks from the big ship were really nice... they came to our school and cleaned the whole place up.. they re-painted our walls and played with us too! We've been asking our local leader to do the same for years... on his last visit, his helicopter broke one of the two mud class rooms, but these nice people re-built them..."

Common Man: "Awwww... thats so sweet... and we are all looking forward to the rock concert."

Nimitz Commander: "Its been a very special trip and we made many friends! We shall not easily forget you!!"

Common Man: "Why thank you! We appreciate all that you did in your short visit here and hope that someday we can do the same! We shall not forget you either! But... er... where has everyone gone? The whole place is empty..."

Kids of the Madarsa-i-azam: "Actually... there has been a sting operation and its being shown on T.V.... every one has gone to see who was dumb enough to get caught this time!"

Common Man: "Oh... well... alright.. thats that! Time to go home and watch Indian Idol then!!"

Crew of the Nimitz cleaning up at Mararsa-i-Azam in Chennai

God bless India! :'-)