Its been a long road....

This post was first published on 7th August 2006 at 01:36 AM on my previous blog

It's been a long road... Getting from there to here... Its been so long since my last blog... I don't even remember when i last visited it myself... sheesh... When I first started writing here... I thought.. you know... I'll start small... but later probably write so much and once day become the blogger of the year perhaps ! :-p Ya.. well... thats me.. I'm a Dreamer... I'm also lazy... and blogging is way too much work... I don't even call people... There have been times when I could have easily caught up with old friends online... Friends who meant a lot to me at some point or the other... But instead I ended up playing Civilization ! Conquer the world... its so much easier in the game... You are the boss... I'm not a violent person... I'm not shrewed either.. but I CAN play Civlization very well... I usually lead my civilization into extreme devolopment and then by power and influence rule the world... its gives you a high... to be so mighty.. but I don't abuse my power... I don't know why but there is this stupid moral chip embedded in me somewhere... even in the game.. I try to help the weaker civs...in war and in peace... its ok for me to pound em... but i never let any one else pound a weakling ! Especially not MY weakling !!

I have forever been thinking to write a confession... a kick ass long letter to everyone who has ever known me... to apologise to people... for so many things... form hurting to just simply not calling... I'm 22.. and yet... there is so much that has already happened... I don't want to forget it all.. like I 've forgotten so much from my childhood... I remember a lot.. but what about all that I've forgotten ?? No.. plus i'm not happy with myself... I feel like a failure so many times its un-nerving.. I'll write about it in my Confessions... If I ever do write... there are times then when I feel like writing a story about my life and the people in it... there is so much to tell... we HUMANS hide so much inside of us ! All the time... I'm sick of hiding ! I loved my childhhod.. there were no secrets.. my life was an open book... it wasn't so complicated.. I tried to make it last... as long as it could.. but adulthood has finally caught upto me and the ways of the world are taking shape in my mind... DAMMIT !

I'm growing old... starting a career... devoloping a ponch and just going thru each day without living it like I used to ! Where did Ainu go ? Where is the guy who used to dance when it rained cause he just felt so happy... who could tell how a person felt by just looking at their face and their eyes... where is the guy who stood for everything thats right and got respected for it... where is the guy who had the patience of a saint... where is the guy who stood so tall in the eyes of the people around him that it made his heart swell with pride ?

My downfall came and took me away.. and for all my gift of foresight I could not see my own demise. Today I cannot look at myself in the mirror and pity the fool who stares back... I let it go to my head... Now I'm too hung up on myself... Brooding day in and day out... I stand broken but still I will get up tomm morning and go thru life pretending that everything is ok... keep it all in me again... till the next time i feel touched by something and decide to put it down...

Dear God,

I know I havn't ever done anything that would qualify me for your good grace but let me confess this now... I believe in you... Not in the way people do... in my own way... I do not agree with the Mullas... or with all those others who think its their birth right to talk on your behalf. I know I havn't prayed since the last one on my bed before going to sleep as a 15 year old perhaps... but I do whisper a prayer under my breath from time to time. Please listen to those.. they are not for me... but the people who really need it... I don't ask for much from you and know that I don't deserve anything either... and this is probably the first and the last time that I'll confess to this... I believe in you...

Love,

Ainu

I'm not religious.. never going to be ! But there are somethings that I would never say out loud... I want to... SO many things that I wanna stand on the Empire State Building and shout about... Will I get my chance ? Probably not... but then thats the beauty about not knowing the future.. Anything is Possible !

This is nice.. I feel light now.. My first Confession coupled with a lotta rubbish but i'm on my way ! And maybe someday I'll send off that FAT ASS letter... and you might get it... when you do... try to forgive me...

P.S. DONOT read my previous blog entries... Especially the Devdas one... I don't know what the FUCK I drank THAT NIGHT !!!!