Carnival

The 23-story Super Carrier USS Nimitz has finally arrived at Indian shores to make a port call. Anchored 3 kms off the coast of Chennai, the crew is looking forward to their 'Indian experience' while making plans to 'do their bit' for the needy and the under-privileged. A crew rock band is practicing hard to be ready for a performance they are expected to give shortly in the city.

While the crew goes about their stuff, the mini-city's appearance off our coast has created quite a storm here. So, to combat all this tension, various groups representing various people have decided to hold an emergency meeting to give shape to India's official stand on the issue.

Organizer/Co-ordinator/Common Man: "Alright! Ladies and Gentlemen, let us start the proceedings. One by one, each group should state their view on this issue and then we'll see how we can merge it to find common ground. Alright... so here we go....."

Leftist & Left political parties: "This is a ploy by the imperial west to enslave India and destroy us from within! They want to pollute our waters and environment by this radiation spilling nuclear warship! We will not let this happen!"

Common Man: "Er... but they've been in service for almost 3 decades and there has never been any radiation threat from them..."

Leftist & Left political parties: "Nonsense! The Congress has made a blunder by allowing them to anchor here... this makes India look weak! They might have nuclear warheads on board! What if they decide to take out the communists of India? No... no...."

Mamata Bannejee: "Thats rubbish! This is a ploy by TATA and other capitalists to take away the livelihood of all those poor farmers in Singur. They want to scare these poor people with Nuclear Weapons! I will not let this happen... I will support someone if they want to fast unto death to protest this! Anybody willing?....."

Far-right Hinduvta Leader: "This is the perfect opportunity to get rid of all Indians who don't follow Hinduism! Let us steal this ship and the nuclear weapons and bomb all known minority areas! All problems solved!"

Common Man: "WHAT?!?!"

Self-proclaimed Muslim leader: "No! Don't listen to these Kafirs! I here by declare a fatwa against George Bush for sending his unholy ship here to scare Muslims and shake their faith. Thanks to corruption, a few musalman politicians have the money and are willing to pay upto 51 crore for his head! Therefore now it is the duty of all Muslims worldwide to blow themselves up!"

Common Man: "Huh... but... who the hell ARE you?!?!"

Self-proclaimed Muslim leader: "Um... I'm the maulvi of the masjid in galli no. 57, kiaganj ilakha, district Bhatinda... but that doesn't matter! Down with George Bush!"

Amitabh Bachchan: "Whats going on here?!?! This is not an ad shoot! I thought I was invited here to endorse the USS Nimitz! I don't have time for this... Amar Singh Ji... you handle this please...."

Common Man: "But... but... Sir... wait..."

Amar Singh: "Our opinion of the matter is that this is a move by Mayawati to further harm the good name of Mulayam Singh Ji! We would like to request a CBI probe into the matter and would also like to ask the governor to to dismiss her government and invite us to form one!"

Mayawati: "What lies! These people are no good! Arre... after seeing so much space on the carrier deck... I am thinking of sending a proposal to the captain of the Nimitz to let me build an Ambedkar park there! With statues and fountains and everything!

Common Man: "Er.... another hundred crore Ambedkar park?!"

News Channels Representative: "They should re-name the USS Nimitz to USS Sunita Williams! So what if she is legally an American... so what if she wasn't even born here... so what if shes only been to India 3 times as a tourist to see the Taj Mahal?!?! Her name is Sunita and so she is Indian enough for us!"

Common Man: "Ummm......."

BJP/NDA Alliance: "Don't listen to these people! Bloody media always trying to expose innocent politicians! If it was up to us we would've never allowed them to enter our territory just like the U.S. didn't allow Modi to enter their territory! Nimitz has come to India because of the minority appeasement policies of the congress led government! Also, we have reasons to believe that this is a congress ploy to get their candidate to become President!"

Common Man: "Really? But.. how?..."

International Astrologers & Jyotshis Union Leader: "That doesn't matter! The planetary alignment is such that we will need perform some special rituals to counter the ill effects of the design of the aircraft carrier! You see, they have not made it according to Vaastu, or even Feng-Shui for that matter, and so, the negative energy generated from it is harming our economic growth and is actually responsible for the box-office disaster of Jhoom Barabar Jhoom!"

Common Man: "Wha..at..."

Congress Party: "Forget all this! The arrival of the carrier is a sign that its time for all Indians to elect Rahul Gandhi as their leader! Poor Dr. Singh has kept the seat warm long enough for our little baba to step up and take charge... so let us not wait any longer!"

U.S. Ambassador: "India and the U.S. have become such great friends now. There are a few problems remaining in the Civilian Nuclear deal but we are hopeful of reaching an agreement soon..."

Common Man: "But that has nothing to do with ANYTHING!"

Pakistani Ambassador: "Gee... better off your coast than mine!"

Common Man: "Why are you here?"

Pakistani Ambassador: "I heard there will be some South Indian food here... we don't get that in Pakistan you see..."

Indian Armed Forces Representative: "We have deployed a ship with radiation measuring instruments to monitor the Nimitz... and so far... there is nothing to worry about!"

Common Man: "Wow.. well.. that settles it for me! But now lets hear what the kids have to say..."

Kids of the Madarsa-i-azam: "Those white folks from the big ship were really nice... they came to our school and cleaned the whole place up.. they re-painted our walls and played with us too! We've been asking our local leader to do the same for years... on his last visit, his helicopter broke one of the two mud class rooms, but these nice people re-built them..."

Common Man: "Awwww... thats so sweet... and we are all looking forward to the rock concert."

Nimitz Commander: "Its been a very special trip and we made many friends! We shall not easily forget you!!"

Common Man: "Why thank you! We appreciate all that you did in your short visit here and hope that someday we can do the same! We shall not forget you either! But... er... where has everyone gone? The whole place is empty..."

Kids of the Madarsa-i-azam: "Actually... there has been a sting operation and its being shown on T.V.... every one has gone to see who was dumb enough to get caught this time!"

Common Man: "Oh... well... alright.. thats that! Time to go home and watch Indian Idol then!!"

Crew of the Nimitz cleaning up at Mararsa-i-Azam in Chennai

God bless India! :'-)

Fuck You Bheja Fry!!

I've started to realize that I turn to writing when I'm most sad, distraught, hurt or angry. Its my escape... it makes me feel better... it gives me hope that if I put it out there, I might be able to counter what put me in that uncomfortable position in the first place. And today I return broken hearted by a movie. Something that was to provide a funny relief for the lazy afternoon turned into indignation and anger.

DTH television allows you to order movies. For about 75 bucks, you can watch from a select bunch of movies that they have. So we (me and my mum) ordered Bheja Fry. A very funny movie we had been told and something we were looking forward to watch for a long time! It was quite funny also actually till about the interval. After that came the rude shock. There is a Muslim character in the movie, Asif Merchant (played by Ranvir Shorey), who is supposed to be a caricature... of Muslims I'm guessing. So this fellow is an honest, hard-working officer of the IT (Income Tax) department who is a good friend of Bharat Bhushan (Viney Pathak). He is talented and does his job well... the only glitch?? His loyalties lie towards Pakistan! Atleast 15 minutes of the reel are dedicated to how Bharat Bhushan is supporting India (in a cricket match) and how Asif is supporting Pakistan! Not only that, there are clever dialogues like, "Saala khata idhar ki hai aur gaata udhar ki hai!" (Asshole eats from this country but supports that country). The director stretches it on till the point that he makes it clear that Muslims, no matter how good they are, support Pakistan, while the rest of the Indians are great friends with them and treat them well!

Really?!?!?!

Now I don't dispute that there are muslims in India who make no bones about supporting the Pakistani team vis-a-vis India, but is that the absolute case? Does that mean all Muslims are like that? I mean if you are showing something like that then wouldn't it be better to make sure that it doesn't send the wrong message out? And I don't think I'm making a fuss about nothing. Let me tell you why....

For the past two months, I been constantly debating Far right-wing Hindus on Orkut on various communities. I've come to understand that there is a lot of pre-assumption and mis-information that fuels the hatred. Now one of the things they say frequently is that Indian Muslims are Pakistani hearted! This is a gross stereotype and generalization! I've had a torrent time making them understand that this isn't the case and that I HATE such people myself! (For such debates, I have to talk in terms of religion i.e. Hindu, Muslims etc. to make my points cause these people take religion and God to be the ultimate truth. I cannot even start to argue with them that there might not even be a God!) So imagine that if popular cinema starts re-enforcing this stereo-type then? Is that good for us? Everyone is influenced by the movies that they see on some level! And what was even more shocking was that this was a 'multiplex movie'! Made for a niche audience who are supposed to know better than this! But surprisingly, I never heard a peep about this blunder.

I don't say that don't make fun of Muslims, please by all means... It wouldn't be fair if you didn't but also don't forget your social responsibilities when reaching out to such a large number of people! Don't re-enforce urban myths (all Muslims are loyal to Pakistan) and stereotypes. I mean, Black Friday (an awesome movie) also showed the same thing in a scene (Muslim kids celebrating Pakistani team's victory with fire-crackers) but they didn't stereotype. They were careful in showing that even though that happens, it is not true for all Indian Muslims! People need to understand that the method employed to convey a message is as important as the message itself!

Because some of us take it to the heart and are sick of our loyalties being questioned with wondering eyes every time you hear our name! :'-(

No-surprises then that neither me nor mum enjoyed the movie after that khaata-gaata (above mentioned) dialogue. Nothing was funny after that... we were both saddened and hurt. After a little while the movie ended. Mum in her own thoughts (she tends to think a lot when something strikes her heart) and me in my own (DNA inheritance :-p), we both quietly got up and went to our rooms, trying to find a reason... some justification... to why some people can be so stupid at times.