Un-official Road Rules and Laws of Delhi

This post was first published on 30th September 2006 at 02:50 AM on my previous blog

This blog was copied and forwarded to half the planet without taking my permission or even giving me any credit for it ! Sniff... :'-( for more info read 'Ouch ! Piracy hurts !'

“If you can drive in Delhi... you can drive anywhere in the world !!”, I’ve heard it a lot of times from a lot of people. People from out of town, visiting relatives or friends out on a swinging holiday. They say this in grim amazement, but for me, it really no big deal. I’ve gotten use to it…. now.

A few years back when I first started driving out on these Delhi roads, I noticed a complete lack of any kind of respect for any rules, regulations or even basic human courtesy. What we have on our roads here are loud, rude and angry people who are always in a hurry. From the fanciest and the most expensive of cars to the cheapest cars in the world, the attitude of the driver and the occupants remain the same. The occupants?? Yeah! Let anything go wrong and then along with the driver, you would haveta deal with all the occupants of the vehicle too, who take it upon themselves to fight it out right there on the road. Initially I used to be a ‘polite driver’. I used to avoid excessive honking, used to signal when changing lanes, used to stop before the zebra crossing on a signal and just simply used to smile at passing drivers in the hope of passing on some good cheer. Needless to say… all that has stopped now and I have become just another driver on these pot-hole filled roads. I growl and I make hand gestures. I give dirty looks and honk impatiently. But then, there are times when I feel like going back to the old me. Sure I might have driven like a sissy then, but it was way more relaxed! Now, below is the ‘Un-Official Road Rules and Laws’ list for Delhi and its crazy citizens which I have complied from personal experiences.

1. The condition of the roads shall never improve. The number of potholes determines the importance of the road.
2. It is the fundamental right of all animals to roam about the streets anyhow they please. After all, we cannot dare offend the ‘Cow’.
3. Every valid license holder is allowed unlimited horn access. Once you place your hand there, you should not remove it.
4. Zebra crossing is a what?
5. It is against the law for all signals to work all the time.
6. Rude behavior is a must or you might face license suspension.
7. You have no right to drive if you are not in a maddening hurry.
8. If you are rich, you have the right to be as arrogant as you like.
9. No rules apply to politicians or police.
10. In case of an accident or dispute, you must fight it out on the spot, blocking all traffic.
11. Knowledge of abuses and gaallis is a must and a requirement for license application.
12. Auto wallas were born with the right to fleece you. Their meters are not designed to work.
13. Bus and RTV wallas are government approved assasins and if you get hit, you should not expect any action against them.
14. Private drivers have the right to be as snobbish as their fat ass-ed masters. After all, its almost like they own those fancy cars.
15. Cycles and rickshaws are for target practice. Hit one and plenty more will replace that one.
16. Bikes and scooters are for showcasing the ultimate stunts and are a perfect way to die.
17. Bullock carts and Elephants are necessary to keep reminding us of where we came from so that those ‘evil western’ values such as comfort, safety and road-sense do not corrupt us.
18. Bribing the cops is our civic duty because otherwise how will their ‘bachchas’ (kids) ever get to taste ‘mithai’(sweets) on festivals. Or alternatively, how will these hard-working and honest cops ever have chai (tea) and paani (water)?
19. Call center Qualis are sniper assasins. Reliable and deadly. These drivers are hand picked from the very best of the worst.
20. Trucks and Trailers can move about any which way they please. After all, half of the police pay package comes from the ‘chai paani’ (tea water i.e. bribe) that they provide.
21. Falling containers help us understand the concept of gravity.
22. Taking U-turns over the dividers a skill that is a must to learn.
23. Indicators are what?
24. Every driver has to swear a holy oath to always drive on high beam.
25. It is a must to have nasty tunes playing when you reverse your car.
26. Cigarette butts can only be disposed off by throwing them out the window of a moving car, right on the path of the car behind you.
27. Breaking beer bottles on the road (tossing them out the window) while drunk driving is an art and should be learnt.
28. Getting your car rammed on the side if you don’t give way is ‘just’ punishment for you being difficult with other drivers.
29. Boys, men, uncles and grandpas are required by law, to follow a car to any distance just because a girl is driving it.
30. Tainted windows are good as they represent your snob value and also at times your horny-ness.
31. Red light beggars are trained professionals who are gaining work experience before they apply for jobs abroad.
32. Police check-points are hot zones where no checking ever needs to be done.
33. Double parking is your fundamental right.
34. The guy driving slower than you is an idiot and the one driving faster is a maniac.
35. Talking on your phone while driving and slowing down the traffic behind you is not an offence but a part of safe driving and should be encouraged.
36. Ambulance drivers are required to use their sirens when stuck in jams even when there is no patient.
37. Police personnel have the right to travel on two wheelers without helmets.
38. PCR vans are there to enforce traffic rules, not follow them.