To Confess or not to confess :: The eternal debate
This post was first published on 1st October 2006 at 03:26 AM on my previous blog
For all those readers who have 'just' joined us, this post is part 3 of an un-predicted but interesting discussion about 'love'. It starts from my post 'About a Boy' (Part 2 is 'Why we said the things we said').
Hey Andi,
This is my reply to your reply to my reply to your post about 'love'. Heehee... So here goes...
The first words that escaped out of my mouth were, "Dear Lord", followed by, " Thats one big ass reply !". :-p heehee.. Its almost like I've unleashed a monster ! Snicker snicker... just kidding... I had read your reply in the morning (Indian time) but was kinda rushed so couldn't reply right away. Now I see you have made a few changes. Anyway, so lets start.
I am not suprised that you'd 'beg' (:-p) to differ. See, I think the concept of love is universal and along with the concept of 'religion', it is a very personal thing that varies from one person to the other.
Test of time
I agree with you 100 percent there. A person should never rush and make hasty decisions when it involves peoples lives like this. I have known people who have regretted a lot about how they moved up too fast and should have taken it slower. But I also know people who took too much time and by the time they were sure that they were in 'love', the object of affection was beyond their reach (emotionally or had moved to another continent or gotten over them). Therefore, that leaves a very small 'window of opportunity' and so a fine balance is required between waiting and actually doing something about it. Also, its not always possible to re-kindle a possible romance after some months or years. Who knows you might never meet that person again ! Its not necessary that you were close to the object of your affection in the first place ! A fine example of all this would be the guy you had a crush on. He liked you too then but he waited and waited and took his time and now he comes forward. You have moved on and now you know that it was just a 'crush'. But I'm sure you wud've said yes then ! For the guy, 'that time' was it and he blew it. For you, you would have realised by now that you made a mistake and probably would have broken up. BUT, i can guarentee you that he would any day prefer that little time spent with you than all of life without you (taking for granted ofcourse that he was a genuine person and not just some horny pig).
Men the go-getters
See, guys may seem quick to decide but they always know what they are doing. At that point of time anyway. And its not always about being horny (guys can be horny 24/7 for probably years on end till their body finally gives in). If it were left to the girls to ask out guys... well... then good luck world ! :-p And yes, girls take way too much time.
Trust Fate ?
Yaar... all that you said in this regard only matters if a person actually believes in the concept of 'fate'. I kinda don't. I believe that if you need something done then go ahead and do it. You can't really sit around looking for a sign. This doesn't mean that you rush into everything. Take your time. Maybe, some kind of sign may present itself, but incase it doesn't, then please don't wait forever. Timing is eveything and not everyone can get it right all the time !
LOVE for sure ?
Now HERE I would wanna differ with you the MOST ! I think you know 'love' and 'how to be loved and love back' from the moment you are born ! I don't think the brain needs to devolop some special area just to conprehend love for that significant other ! Sure it may not be fully developed till age 25, but how does that prove that our ability to love and be loved also doesn't fully develop till age 25. We we take that line of reasoning then a 30 year old brain is fully developed, more mature and way more experienced than a 25 year old brain. Then should we all just wait to be 30 ? or better yet 90 ? No ya... I cannot wait that loooooong ! :-p
Now for your question " how do you know how you've met the one if you haven't tested any other option let alone see all the potentials of what life may have in store for you"
See, I think this question is most valid if a person goes ahead and marries the very first person he/she goes out with ! I wouldn't recommend that ! But even then, you never know, maybe its a match 'made in heaven'. It could be perfect... or could be a mess. Anything is possible.
And the beauty about the 'trail and error' way is that its NOT marriage ! So if you do find some one better, its best if you move on. Otherwise you are actually living a lie and basically just ruining your life and the life of your present partner by denying him/her the love that he/she deserves.
I agree, I believe in the trial and error way but, what you are talking about is the next step ! I've just realised. We are both talking about the same thing but only at different stages. I say AFTER you've found the right guy/girl, then comes the 'safe,distant yet consistent' part. For me thats the natural evolution of the relationship. I don't think one can start from the 'safe, distant yet consistent' stage.
And your being a Libra can't possibly help ! :-p i know a lotta libras and man... YOU PEOPLE ARE INCAPABLE OF TAKING DECISIONS !
And not only your female friends but also me and I'm sure a lot of my male friends will also agree that "love for us is when we can't stop thinking about a person in her absence... time proximity with that person should not be a big issue". Thats not in dispute. But the "what if we can't find anyone better" got me confused. Um.. so what if you can't find anyone better ? Doesn't that just mean that you already are with the better person ?!?!
What about 'think before you leap' ?
I think if you 'think' too much about it then you are just killing the excitement factor. Sometimes you should just go with the flow and take life as it comes to you. It can turn out to be very rewarding ! If you start thinking about 'how the hell am i going to make this work?' even before you start, then the whole thing pretty much looks doomed to me !
Now i think you might have mis-understood me a little bit. The product of the confession of 'A' is of a lot of concequence to him. But that may not necessarily alter his life significantly. If she says 'yes', then his life would change for the better. But , if she is to say 'no', then hs life cannot get any worse. Why ? Because in this particular case -
(a) the two people are not very close.
(b) they hardly have any interaction at all anymore (they did not have much to start with anyway).
They rarely meet or talk. She not really a part of his life in the 'physical' sense. Emotional yes. Therefore all of us (including him) think that she has been 'lost'. So, a confession can't really push her any further away. But, it can make him feel better (as learnt from my personal experience). That might sound selfish, but another aspect is that maybe she has gotten sick of waiting for him to ask her out (we thought she gave a lotta hints during the early days) and so confessing might actually re-kindle the whole thing !
And trust me, telling someone how much you 'love' them can never be a waste of time, effort or energy. Besides, who doesn't like hearing it ? :-p
Expressing Love
What you say sounds very romantic but I'm sure at some point of time, you'd just like to hear that person tell you how much they love you. I know I would. That could be romantic too.
What do you want out of love?
Unfortunately the practical ways to make a realationship work leave very little room for 'Ideal Love' of that kind to survive. Everyone expects. I should know. I usually don't expect anything from anyone, but once in a while, even my hopes are raised. Its only human... to expect.
Issues with Proximity
Like I said before, in this case, he isn't around her at all anyway. So it can't get any worse. Therefore, he is not really escaping from anything. Who says that its do or die ? That if the answer is 'no' you have to break all contact ? If the girl has her heart in the right place, then i'm sure this 'relationship' can atleast continue at the same level even after the confession.
Korean Culture
Like I said before, it sounds and probably is a very romantic way to make some one feel loved. But a few people (like me) would actually like to hear it. I see it as an extension of the same romantic gestures.
Moral of the story : When guys see someone they like, they find the courage and go for it (usually ! But trust me its not easy to tell a girl you like her. Even if you've been friends forever). Also, you should only wait and watch (delay it) if you believe in 'fate', otherwise you are just screwing with the other persons feelings !
Even if its meant to be, one still needs to 'do something about it'. Things don't happen on their own !
Also, I love this song and your version is EXCELLENT ! I'm going to download it ! You sing well ! Its been playing over and over all this while !! I never thought that 'About a boy' would lead me to write so much about 'love'. And GOD ! You had a LOT to say about the topic ! :-p Anyway...its been a great experience ! Its nice to get a different perspective of things !
A couple of years ago (in my ignorance then), I had tried to define 'love'. Needless to say, I had crashed and burned and decided its probably best left a mystery.
Right then, I'm off to sleep land. You take care and yea... lets keep talking about more things ! :-)
Keep in touch !
Hey Andi,
This is my reply to your reply to my reply to your post about 'love'. Heehee... So here goes...
The first words that escaped out of my mouth were, "Dear Lord", followed by, " Thats one big ass reply !". :-p heehee.. Its almost like I've unleashed a monster ! Snicker snicker... just kidding... I had read your reply in the morning (Indian time) but was kinda rushed so couldn't reply right away. Now I see you have made a few changes. Anyway, so lets start.
I am not suprised that you'd 'beg' (:-p) to differ. See, I think the concept of love is universal and along with the concept of 'religion', it is a very personal thing that varies from one person to the other.
Test of time
I agree with you 100 percent there. A person should never rush and make hasty decisions when it involves peoples lives like this. I have known people who have regretted a lot about how they moved up too fast and should have taken it slower. But I also know people who took too much time and by the time they were sure that they were in 'love', the object of affection was beyond their reach (emotionally or had moved to another continent or gotten over them). Therefore, that leaves a very small 'window of opportunity' and so a fine balance is required between waiting and actually doing something about it. Also, its not always possible to re-kindle a possible romance after some months or years. Who knows you might never meet that person again ! Its not necessary that you were close to the object of your affection in the first place ! A fine example of all this would be the guy you had a crush on. He liked you too then but he waited and waited and took his time and now he comes forward. You have moved on and now you know that it was just a 'crush'. But I'm sure you wud've said yes then ! For the guy, 'that time' was it and he blew it. For you, you would have realised by now that you made a mistake and probably would have broken up. BUT, i can guarentee you that he would any day prefer that little time spent with you than all of life without you (taking for granted ofcourse that he was a genuine person and not just some horny pig).
Men the go-getters
See, guys may seem quick to decide but they always know what they are doing. At that point of time anyway. And its not always about being horny (guys can be horny 24/7 for probably years on end till their body finally gives in). If it were left to the girls to ask out guys... well... then good luck world ! :-p And yes, girls take way too much time.
Trust Fate ?
Yaar... all that you said in this regard only matters if a person actually believes in the concept of 'fate'. I kinda don't. I believe that if you need something done then go ahead and do it. You can't really sit around looking for a sign. This doesn't mean that you rush into everything. Take your time. Maybe, some kind of sign may present itself, but incase it doesn't, then please don't wait forever. Timing is eveything and not everyone can get it right all the time !
LOVE for sure ?
Now HERE I would wanna differ with you the MOST ! I think you know 'love' and 'how to be loved and love back' from the moment you are born ! I don't think the brain needs to devolop some special area just to conprehend love for that significant other ! Sure it may not be fully developed till age 25, but how does that prove that our ability to love and be loved also doesn't fully develop till age 25. We we take that line of reasoning then a 30 year old brain is fully developed, more mature and way more experienced than a 25 year old brain. Then should we all just wait to be 30 ? or better yet 90 ? No ya... I cannot wait that loooooong ! :-p
Now for your question " how do you know how you've met the one if you haven't tested any other option let alone see all the potentials of what life may have in store for you"
See, I think this question is most valid if a person goes ahead and marries the very first person he/she goes out with ! I wouldn't recommend that ! But even then, you never know, maybe its a match 'made in heaven'. It could be perfect... or could be a mess. Anything is possible.
And the beauty about the 'trail and error' way is that its NOT marriage ! So if you do find some one better, its best if you move on. Otherwise you are actually living a lie and basically just ruining your life and the life of your present partner by denying him/her the love that he/she deserves.
I agree, I believe in the trial and error way but, what you are talking about is the next step ! I've just realised. We are both talking about the same thing but only at different stages. I say AFTER you've found the right guy/girl, then comes the 'safe,distant yet consistent' part. For me thats the natural evolution of the relationship. I don't think one can start from the 'safe, distant yet consistent' stage.
And your being a Libra can't possibly help ! :-p i know a lotta libras and man... YOU PEOPLE ARE INCAPABLE OF TAKING DECISIONS !
And not only your female friends but also me and I'm sure a lot of my male friends will also agree that "love for us is when we can't stop thinking about a person in her absence... time proximity with that person should not be a big issue". Thats not in dispute. But the "what if we can't find anyone better" got me confused. Um.. so what if you can't find anyone better ? Doesn't that just mean that you already are with the better person ?!?!
What about 'think before you leap' ?
I think if you 'think' too much about it then you are just killing the excitement factor. Sometimes you should just go with the flow and take life as it comes to you. It can turn out to be very rewarding ! If you start thinking about 'how the hell am i going to make this work?' even before you start, then the whole thing pretty much looks doomed to me !
Now i think you might have mis-understood me a little bit. The product of the confession of 'A' is of a lot of concequence to him. But that may not necessarily alter his life significantly. If she says 'yes', then his life would change for the better. But , if she is to say 'no', then hs life cannot get any worse. Why ? Because in this particular case -
(a) the two people are not very close.
(b) they hardly have any interaction at all anymore (they did not have much to start with anyway).
They rarely meet or talk. She not really a part of his life in the 'physical' sense. Emotional yes. Therefore all of us (including him) think that she has been 'lost'. So, a confession can't really push her any further away. But, it can make him feel better (as learnt from my personal experience). That might sound selfish, but another aspect is that maybe she has gotten sick of waiting for him to ask her out (we thought she gave a lotta hints during the early days) and so confessing might actually re-kindle the whole thing !
And trust me, telling someone how much you 'love' them can never be a waste of time, effort or energy. Besides, who doesn't like hearing it ? :-p
Expressing Love
What you say sounds very romantic but I'm sure at some point of time, you'd just like to hear that person tell you how much they love you. I know I would. That could be romantic too.
What do you want out of love?
Unfortunately the practical ways to make a realationship work leave very little room for 'Ideal Love' of that kind to survive. Everyone expects. I should know. I usually don't expect anything from anyone, but once in a while, even my hopes are raised. Its only human... to expect.
Issues with Proximity
Like I said before, in this case, he isn't around her at all anyway. So it can't get any worse. Therefore, he is not really escaping from anything. Who says that its do or die ? That if the answer is 'no' you have to break all contact ? If the girl has her heart in the right place, then i'm sure this 'relationship' can atleast continue at the same level even after the confession.
Korean Culture
Like I said before, it sounds and probably is a very romantic way to make some one feel loved. But a few people (like me) would actually like to hear it. I see it as an extension of the same romantic gestures.
Moral of the story : When guys see someone they like, they find the courage and go for it (usually ! But trust me its not easy to tell a girl you like her. Even if you've been friends forever). Also, you should only wait and watch (delay it) if you believe in 'fate', otherwise you are just screwing with the other persons feelings !
Even if its meant to be, one still needs to 'do something about it'. Things don't happen on their own !
Also, I love this song and your version is EXCELLENT ! I'm going to download it ! You sing well ! Its been playing over and over all this while !! I never thought that 'About a boy' would lead me to write so much about 'love'. And GOD ! You had a LOT to say about the topic ! :-p Anyway...its been a great experience ! Its nice to get a different perspective of things !
A couple of years ago (in my ignorance then), I had tried to define 'love'. Needless to say, I had crashed and burned and decided its probably best left a mystery.
Right then, I'm off to sleep land. You take care and yea... lets keep talking about more things ! :-)
Keep in touch !
posted by Ahmer Hasan at
3:26 AM
4 Comments:
Originally posted on October 01 at 3:45 AM
lol...gimme a break...its sunday i have nuthin better to do...but to engage myself in this 'mortal combat' of words for explaining this concept !!!...please check my final (trust me its the final) blog!!!....:P....
1:49 PM, October 18, 2006
Originally posted on October 01 at 4:00 AM
Thanx for the compliment for my song....heheheh....i feel like a lost vulcan (thinkin too much outa sync and yet quite stubborn of my ideologies) and ur like a hybrid of klingon and human(wham bamm no thank u mam oR nike: JUST DO IT!!)!....oh...u do realise i'm talkin about star trek doncha?...i'll reply to this next week...i'm honestly done for this week...but but but...i have answers to ur querries from my blog..GOD this seems never ending....do u wanna..put n end or go on?...coz i can go on for eternity replyin and re-replyin....hehehehehehe!!! :p...see ya next week in blogville!!!....CIAO!!! *^_^*
1:50 PM, October 18, 2006
Originally posted on October 01 at 4:08 AM
n oh btw...i wud like to be called Andi not Y...coz of some numerological thing (u don't like all this stuff so i wudn't explain...heheehe)
1:51 PM, October 18, 2006
Originally posted on October 01 at 7:37 AM
oh thats it!!!... i cudn't help myself... i've realised we need to put n end to this issue...we ARE talkin about two sides of the same coin..and i think ur trial n error...is very practical...in fact i agree with you in that...its the timing of when to use it....according to u ...u analyse a person when ur goin out with them....analysing if they are the right type for you to finally commit to them or eventually marry them...As for some of us, our anaylsing process starts from the stage we knw a person and not necessarily like a boyfriend/gurlfriend...now coming to our personal experiences and environments...i have had very close relationships with ppl....i don have any shallow relationships....its quite black n white here for me...either...i like/dislike them or don't know them...and this gives me enuf time to analyse them...i don't think there’s a need to take the 'goin-out' step till ur certain of ur own feelings....so ya maybe U have a lot of frinds and can't devote much time to each of’em and u believe u can spend more time with the person whom ur goin out...which will help u anaylse them....if that works for u ...its perfect...no ones complainin!!... AGREED my point of view is a step ahead in the course of evolution of finding ur tru love....but doesn't that depend where n when u start looking from?....U start looking from the time u go out....most women start since they knw certain ppl in their lives....n most importantly...as far as goin out is concerned? personally?...The environment I am in at the moment and with what I have seen is like...u go out with a person...u LIVE with them...i find this arrangement distasteful and too hasty... its not like life in india...where still a good deal of conservatism is left with some restrictions (maybe its coz our parents stay close to us) …so ya...it (goin out) IS a big step for like minded ppl as myself to be SURE if i love the guy or not...
Why do we need to go-out to assess our compatibility?...don’t we have friends?....don’t we want to be friends with the ones we choose to go out first?...if not then….its is truly a pheromonal or a guy thing…
Believe me when I say some of us have more FUN with their friends then they wud ever have with their boyfriends or girlfriends….where issues of commitment comes to play…goin out takes a lot of work….so y go out with a person ur not even sure about?...or someone whom ur just testing to see whether they are compatible with u?...why even bother putting so much of effort in this prototype?...can’t u asses that when ur friends with em? Its not that I’m sayin that all ur friends are potential candidates but merely stating a fact that ur friends provide a more viable pool of potential ppl u can get serious about…besides ur better off with someone u know than someone u just feel attracted to…
Now giving hints and recognising them truly for wat they are can also be quite tricky…I myself have been blamed of hinting at things when I neva had any intention of doin it!...becoz I basically don’t have any sex distinction when it comes to my friends…I’ll probably treat my female friends like my male friends…My relationships with some of my male friends have been scrutinised becoz of the same fact…I refuse to realise that u need to treat men and women differently…in friendship…n I think that’s how u maintain balance and are impartial…
Ur question about mature brains was the most hilarious….25+ have developed brains but have u ever heard of expiration date?...lol...brains 30+ start to degenerate....i agree partially with ur statement that ppl from the time are born know how to love....they know how to get love but not necessarily give or express them in a way that will be acceptable to our significant others....I don’t know how to do that myself!!!
And as far as my crush...no he wasn't and still aint a horny pig!...hahaha...he's a gem of a person...i still love him as a friend...sure i wud have said yes not becoz he wud have taken his chance at the right time but becoz i was confused with my new found feelings for him...and thank god he didn’t say anything at time!...hahahhaah...we both wud have been unhappy if wud have gone out n then realised that it was neva meant to be…coz i think we both were very serious minded ppl.
We aint a teenagers anymore...where we can go out for fun!...but at the same breath I aint sayin that we shudn't have fun...i agree too much thinkin can cause a lot of exasperation....but i think that's how women are made...we think b4 we leap...infact we wait till we make a bridge to cross over instead of leaping at all...lol...
This is me signin off!...*^_^*…we start another topic…soon…
1:52 PM, October 18, 2006
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